The KRAZY KRAB!!!!

   So, I had a terrible night last night. Everything seemed all good. Dad was passed out, mum and I had a delicious dinner. Around 8:30pm, she tells me that she's going to the casino for a bit. I'm like okay, you know, that's cool whatever. I figured I would just use this time to finish watching Audition. So, she leaves, dad's still sleeping, and I am viewing my movie. Everything was JUST FINE. Literally, right as Audition is ending, I hear dad get up, and go to the bathroom. I'm kinda like ..ffff... but I figure it's still all good. Then I hear the slamming of doors, and I know that my apprehension was not in vain. He slams into my room, asking "Where the fuck is your mother!?" and I tell him of her casino outing. He flips his shit and starts yelling and everything, and tells me to "Get your fucking mother on the phone, NOW!!! >:K " So I am already freaking out, on the verge of a panic attack (this may sound melodramatic for the situation, but you have no idea how much he freaks me out :[ ), and I call and call and call mum, but she doesn't answer. This is when I remember that she doesn't get service at the Thunderbird Casino, because it is too far out of range. Fuck. "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck" was pretty much all I remember thinking at that point. If I didn't get her on the phone VERY soon, it was likely that a large portion of his rage would be taken out on me. "FUCK! What do I do!!?"

   I called the casino, and asked the mildly confused-sounding lady if she would page my mother over the intercom thing. She pages her and nothing happens, and when the lady comes back to tell me that she didn't respond, I'm already on the verge of tears, and...she notices...and offers to try again. Again, there is no response, and I end up flipping out a bit while the lady is just awkwardly sitting on the other line, not knowing what to do. Poor lady ;[

   After that whole thing, I call my mother's phone again, probably like forty times, and I think I left three voice-mails, each one getting progressively moar hysterical. In hindsight, maybe I was over-reacting, but in my head at that point, all that mattered was GETTING MY MOTHER ON THAT FUCKING PHONE, otherwise I would be the focal-point for the night's impending rage-fest. I even texted her twice, knowing that she wouldn't get them until she had service once moar. Ugh.

   So, what ended up happening was that I never could get her one the phone, and dad came out of his room. I was standing in the kitchen, phone to my ear, trying to stop crying, so he wouldn't notice.     Guess what. He noticed.

   I winced when he voiced his question. "What the fuck are you crying for?" My brain was essentially mush at that point, and I couldn't think of any stupid excuse, so I just told him that I was freaked because I couldn't get her on the phone and I figured he would freak out about it. I actually just told him the truth, which I figured HAD to be incredibly stupid of me, and I was almost expecting him to start yelling and throwing shit everywhere, but he was really chill about it (which is kind of creepy in itself), and he said that he had been trying to call her as well, and he couldn't get her to answer either, so he wouldn't be mad that I couldn't reach her. He also said that it wasn't me that the fight would be over, but there will definitely be a "hellacious" fight when my mother returned home. I was somewhat creeped out/relieved at this proclamation (creeped out that he was being so calm, and relieved that I wouldn't be forced to be involved in another one of their fights). So, I in turn, told him that I would be going to bed, as I wanted to be asleep before mum arrived home. He just said "I don't blame you" :l

   I was laying in bed, all the lights out, toying with the idea of going online to read some blogs or something, but then it occured to me that I wasn't just saying that to get out of staying in there with him, but I really did want to be asleep before she got home. I NEEDED to be asleep. I figured, if I was able to sleep through the fighting, I could wake up in the morning, and it would be like it never happened. I really do prefer to cope with things in that manner, pretending my life is just words in a storybook. I mean, if it isn't real, it just has to be less painful, right? -hopeful-

   I have a really hard time getting to sleep as it is, but when I am freaking out, and having a panic attack ( I would say...the worst one I've had in MONTHS), it's pretty much impossible. I tried everything I could think of to sleep, desperate to just drift away while I still had the time to avoid conflict. I was even reduced to counting sheep. I got up to eighty-six and just said "fuck you, sheep!! >:I" Nothing seemed to be working. Then...just when I think I may be dozing...it starts again. The next twenty or forty minutes (I'm not really sure...) were spent with me crying and rolling over and over in my bed, plauged with mental images of my mother dying in a vicious car wreck, or my cats getting outside and getting run down by a car, blood and entrails littering the road, everywhere. I kept telling my brain SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTTHEFUCKUP!!!!! but it just wouldn't stop...That half-hour felt like an eternity...I still almost cry (not to mention feel the all-consuming urge to do my knocking-on-wood ritual, to ensure their safety..) when I'm just remembering those images..there were so many of them :/

   I somehow managed falling asleep last night...and this morning when I woke up (literally, like five minutes after I entered the living room), there was fighting. Why would I think I could avoid this? :(