So I've been failing pretty damn hard at being a faithful blogger. I remember, I used to blog on Livejournal, and I had soo much fun in the beginning. I think I posted like..five times? And then I just gave up, because apparently it's too much work to write a fricking post once in a while. Ugh. Thus, when I began this blog, I told myself I would stay faithful this time, fer sure. Yeah..that's obviously going REALLY well -.-
Alright, now that I'm done badgering myself...what to talk about? Hrm..as of right now, I have a really boring life. I'm not attending school yet, and so I pretty much spend every day either watching movies, reading manga online, and (on the rare occasion) cleaning. It's really boring. You know your life is kinda pathetic when the highlight of your week is going to therapy, because it's basically the only thing you go out of the house for. I mean, I LOOVE it when I get to hang out with Bestie, but I can't really look forward to it, because I never know if I'll actually be able to go or not. Blech. I've been making an effort to hang out every Saturday though. And..let's not jinx it, but..it seems to be working out pretty well. C: Bestie says he has Friday off of school, so I should come over real early, so we can spend the whole day together!! I really hope this works out, I love Bestie :33
Speaking of hanging out with Bestie, we spent Saturday together. Like..1pm to 12am. It was AMAZINGNESS. He got a..hrm..what's it called? ps3 eye camera? Whatevers, he got one of those, and we figured out how to make it work on his computer as a webcam. We spent the entire day (that is, until we went to see a movie..talk about that in a minute) on Omegle Video Chat (which is essentially Chatroulette, just with a far better layout). I actually volunteered to be on camera (which is odd for me) and Bestie refused. But, after a while, he put on his sequin Lady GaGa masquerade mask, and popped up on the camera at random times. We ate popsicles provacatively, and grabbed the attention of many pervy old guys. It was hilarious! And, apparently, I'm really hot for an omegle girl, so pretty much every guy was like "tits or gtfo", and there were a few times that I would be like "Okay ;) ;)" and stand up, and pretend to lift up my shirt, and then Bestie would disconnect right as I was doing it. I bet it really pissed those guys off! XDDD
On another note, the movie. We went to see Charlie St. Cloud (because Zac Efron is Bestie's man!!) and, it was actually really really good! The plot twist was great (!!) and the ending wasn't weak or stupid at all. The acting was pretty much a 10/10, as was the story. I was very very impressed. There was one scene though, where Charlie (Zac) is running away from his brother's funeral, into the forest, and it kinda made me sad. It majorly reminded me of when I couldn't stay at that last funeral...ugh. Anyways, Imma try to not make this blog all emo and stuff, so yeah :p To another subject!
Twitter. I used to be all "Twitter is so stupid! What's the point, you guise? Nobody reads that crap!" and then I discovered Echofon. Echofon is an application (which got me addicted, and then stopped working >:I ) for your iPhone or iPod touch, and it makes Twitter easily accesible, and easier to use than Safari on your iThing. And I FUCKING LOVE IT. I tweet ridiculously. Like. A lot. About things nobody cares about. But apparently people do care. I have..51 followers? yeah. Which really isn't a lot, but it's a FUCKING LOT for me. That means that 51 people actually enjoy reading the pointless ship (yes, ship) that I write on there CC: yay! The downside is that it makes taking the time to sit down and actually write a decent blog post (or any blog post at all, for that matter) seem perposterously difficult. I just really want to stay faithful to this blog, so I have to cheat on my Twitter, and do this anyways. Let's hope Joey Greco doesn't come bursting into my room with a camera crew and a little blue bird on his shoulder.
If you happen to want to follow me, my username is Xneko_cupcakesX (yeah, I know. soooo ScenexCore DX )
Soo..my fingers hurt. I'll try posting something else later. Maybe. Probably not. Love you guys! (you know, to whoever reads this.)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Tooth brushing, and very sudden panic attacks
It seems like every time I tell myself to brush my teeth, it becomes this huge ordeal. I'll be doing what I do best, laying in bed, reading blogs or something equally "productive" and suddenly I just KNOW that I have to brush my teeth. It becomes a completely necessary (not to mention, incredibly SIMPLE) task to accomplish at that very moment, but as soon as my brain tells my body to get up and make the pilgrimage to my bathroom, it seem un-doable. (Is that a word..? Fuck it, it is nao) Let me explain. It's usually like this:
Brain: Wow that was a particularly interesting video about giraffes--HOLY SHIT IT'S FUCKING TOOTH BRUSHING TIME!!! COME ON, LEGS! TO THE BATHROOM!!!!!
Legs: No.
Brain: Wtf, come on.
Legs: LOLOL I SAYS NO SO HA HA HA >:D
Brain: -facepalm-
(wait...my brain has neither a face, or a palm...hrmmm.)
Brain: I won't make you dance later ;) ;)
Legs:.................alright fine
(Mind you, this is a highly abridged version of the conversation that occurs between my brain and my legs at these moments. On average, it takes about an hour to actually get myself to get up and do it -fail-)
I finally convince my legs to get up, and my eyes to stop reading words on the screen, and when I do eventually make it to the bathroom (after 20 additional minutes of "OMG CUTE KITTEH LETS PLAY TOGETHAR!!!" in the three-foot expanse between my room and the bathroom), it takes me forever to start brushing those teeth. What do I do in there while avoiding the brushing? Even I don't know. o_o
It's not even so much that I enjoy not brushing my teeth. In fact, it's kind of an OCD-ish thing. Once I think of it, it must be done, no matter how much my legs and eyes protest. It's just that my legs are stubborn, and they eventually talk my arms into making an alliance with them, and then my brain gets distracted my something shiny and lets my other body parts go willy-nilly.
(really? willy-nilly? I didn't realize I am a sixty-seven year old)
When I begin this unnecessarily difficult feat, it takes me about five minutes to get the toothpaste on the brush because IT HAS TO BE ON THERE JUST FUCKING RIGHT. Or I'm going to die. Or something. I'm not really sure what my brain insists the consequences are. When I am *brushy*brushy*brushy*-ing, I always pace back and forth in the bathroom, because apparently repetitive brushing motions are really fucking boring. It's almost like I'm waiting on the results of my pregnancy test or something. Wtf. In summary, tooth-brushing is really important, but also very taxing on the health. Or whatever. I dunno, I'm tired.
Anyways, nao that my lame rant (is it really a rant? This unbiased observer thinks not) is over, I wanted to talk about very sudden panic attacks. Surely I'm not the only one who suffers from this. And I don't mean the curling-up-in-the-fetal-position-in-my-bed-wrapped-up-like-I'm-hiding-from-Serial-Killer-Ted-while-crying-and-hyperventilating-and-trying-to-avoid-vomiting kind of panic attack (though I do get those as well..), I'm speaking of the less-serious I'm-in-a-dark-room-and-I'm-getting-those-chills-running-from-my-tailbone-to-my-neck-and-I-need-to-GET-THE-FUCK-OUT-OF-THERE-RIGHT-NAO-slam-the-door-and-breathe-heavily-while-barricading-it-with-your-body kind of panic attack.
Pretty much every time I leave the bathroom at night, I have to turn the light off (because it would be stupid to leave it on if nobody's in there), and the switch just happens to be conveniently located in the middle of the bathroom. So, inevitably, I have to turn the light off before I'm actually out of the bathroom, and this freaks me the fuck out. I mean...I flip the switch as fast as possible for someone who moves as slow as I do (which is pretty effing slow) and brain is like 'OH MY FUCKING GOD THE GRUDGE GIRL OR THE RATTLE RATTLE MONSTER IS GOING TO COME OUT OF THE SHOWER AND FUCKING EAT YOU HOLY SHITTTTT" (or something like that), so I rush (creepily fast) to my bedroom, and breathe in GIANT gulps of air, with my back pressed to my door until I feel fairly certain that I'm safe from rape-goblins and whatnot.
Speaking of the shower, I am one of those people who has to dramatically check behind the shower curtain for monsters or murderers every time I enter the bathroom. But in all seriousness...what the hell would I do were I to ever find one???? I mean...I would be right there, face to face with the Swamp Thing, and I'm sure the best I could do is let out a mouse squeak (because for some reason, my screaming capabilities suck ass) and then be consumed and become part of a writhing mass of green and black swamp sludge. And nobody wants that, do they? (....do they? o_O)
So yeah, I'm not really sure why I decided to write this stupid, and terribly pointless post, but maybe it's because I never post actual posts, I just post lyrics and poems and lame excuses for posts. But what's it matter, ne? No one reads this!! XD but also D':
OH YEAH. On a side-note..Moisturizer is amazing and feels like a baby angel jizzed on my face and was like "lawls lolol srry lemme wipe that in for ya hahaha kthxbai" and at first I was really pissed (because really, who wants jizz to be wiped on their face? Answer: not me) but then I realized how soft it made my skin, so I was like "Well that's kinda nasty, but s'allright"
Also, I jizzed on my hair straightener. Wanna see?
Brain: Wow that was a particularly interesting video about giraffes--HOLY SHIT IT'S FUCKING TOOTH BRUSHING TIME!!! COME ON, LEGS! TO THE BATHROOM!!!!!
Legs: No.
Brain: Wtf, come on.
Legs: LOLOL I SAYS NO SO HA HA HA >:D
Brain: -facepalm-
(wait...my brain has neither a face, or a palm...hrmmm.)
Brain: I won't make you dance later ;) ;)
Legs:.................alright fine
(Mind you, this is a highly abridged version of the conversation that occurs between my brain and my legs at these moments. On average, it takes about an hour to actually get myself to get up and do it -fail-)
I finally convince my legs to get up, and my eyes to stop reading words on the screen, and when I do eventually make it to the bathroom (after 20 additional minutes of "OMG CUTE KITTEH LETS PLAY TOGETHAR!!!" in the three-foot expanse between my room and the bathroom), it takes me forever to start brushing those teeth. What do I do in there while avoiding the brushing? Even I don't know. o_o
It's not even so much that I enjoy not brushing my teeth. In fact, it's kind of an OCD-ish thing. Once I think of it, it must be done, no matter how much my legs and eyes protest. It's just that my legs are stubborn, and they eventually talk my arms into making an alliance with them, and then my brain gets distracted my something shiny and lets my other body parts go willy-nilly.
(really? willy-nilly? I didn't realize I am a sixty-seven year old)
When I begin this unnecessarily difficult feat, it takes me about five minutes to get the toothpaste on the brush because IT HAS TO BE ON THERE JUST FUCKING RIGHT. Or I'm going to die. Or something. I'm not really sure what my brain insists the consequences are. When I am *brushy*brushy*brushy*-ing, I always pace back and forth in the bathroom, because apparently repetitive brushing motions are really fucking boring. It's almost like I'm waiting on the results of my pregnancy test or something. Wtf. In summary, tooth-brushing is really important, but also very taxing on the health. Or whatever. I dunno, I'm tired.
Anyways, nao that my lame rant (is it really a rant? This unbiased observer thinks not) is over, I wanted to talk about very sudden panic attacks. Surely I'm not the only one who suffers from this. And I don't mean the curling-up-in-the-fetal-position-in-my-bed-wrapped-up-like-I'm-hiding-from-Serial-Killer-Ted-while-crying-and-hyperventilating-and-trying-to-avoid-vomiting kind of panic attack (though I do get those as well..), I'm speaking of the less-serious I'm-in-a-dark-room-and-I'm-getting-those-chills-running-from-my-tailbone-to-my-neck-and-I-need-to-GET-THE-FUCK-OUT-OF-THERE-RIGHT-NAO-slam-the-door-and-breathe-heavily-while-barricading-it-with-your-body kind of panic attack.
Pretty much every time I leave the bathroom at night, I have to turn the light off (because it would be stupid to leave it on if nobody's in there), and the switch just happens to be conveniently located in the middle of the bathroom. So, inevitably, I have to turn the light off before I'm actually out of the bathroom, and this freaks me the fuck out. I mean...I flip the switch as fast as possible for someone who moves as slow as I do (which is pretty effing slow) and brain is like 'OH MY FUCKING GOD THE GRUDGE GIRL OR THE RATTLE RATTLE MONSTER IS GOING TO COME OUT OF THE SHOWER AND FUCKING EAT YOU HOLY SHITTTTT" (or something like that), so I rush (creepily fast) to my bedroom, and breathe in GIANT gulps of air, with my back pressed to my door until I feel fairly certain that I'm safe from rape-goblins and whatnot.
Speaking of the shower, I am one of those people who has to dramatically check behind the shower curtain for monsters or murderers every time I enter the bathroom. But in all seriousness...what the hell would I do were I to ever find one???? I mean...I would be right there, face to face with the Swamp Thing, and I'm sure the best I could do is let out a mouse squeak (because for some reason, my screaming capabilities suck ass) and then be consumed and become part of a writhing mass of green and black swamp sludge. And nobody wants that, do they? (....do they? o_O)
So yeah, I'm not really sure why I decided to write this stupid, and terribly pointless post, but maybe it's because I never post actual posts, I just post lyrics and poems and lame excuses for posts. But what's it matter, ne? No one reads this!! XD but also D':
OH YEAH. On a side-note..Moisturizer is amazing and feels like a baby angel jizzed on my face and was like "lawls lolol srry lemme wipe that in for ya hahaha kthxbai" and at first I was really pissed (because really, who wants jizz to be wiped on their face? Answer: not me) but then I realized how soft it made my skin, so I was like "Well that's kinda nasty, but s'allright"
Also, I jizzed on my hair straightener. Wanna see?
Hehehehehe I'm just kidding! I don't have jizzing capabilities~*
-and the audience sighs in a disappointed fashion-
Though that there is some angel baby jizz.
Think about that one.
Why do I say jizz so much?
This is troubling...
Good night! :D
Friday, September 3, 2010
Zombies of Jusco
This is an acrostic poem I wrote based on the wonderful and amazing movie Kamikaze Girls (starring Fukuda Kyoko and Tsuchiya Anna <3.) It kinda sucks, but I am in love with this movie, so I kinda like it :3
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Killing time
At the train station; on the way to Daikanyama
My best friend at my side
It's the perfect time of day for this
Kind of thing
As we walk along the road, we gaze upon
Zombies of Jusco, polluting the streets
if
Everyone shopped at "Baby...", this town would be much prettier
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See? It's really not that good. I was going to revise and edit it a bit before posting, but I am very tired and I wanted to post it before bed tonight. So there you are C:
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Killing time
At the train station; on the way to Daikanyama
My best friend at my side
It's the perfect time of day for this
Kind of thing
As we walk along the road, we gaze upon
Zombies of Jusco, polluting the streets
if
Everyone shopped at "Baby...", this town would be much prettier
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
See? It's really not that good. I was going to revise and edit it a bit before posting, but I am very tired and I wanted to post it before bed tonight. So there you are C:
Oh yeah, by the way...
I just figured I would get this out of the way before I go on (in case people actually start reading this.) I do not take credit for about 95% of the pictures/artwork that I post on this blog. I'm not as talented as the wonderful Allie Brosh, and I'm not lucky enough to be able to travel as I wish, like Jeff-san, so for the most part, I will be posting pictures that I find online, which appeal to me. I don't want anyone to be like "Hey!! This stupid person is trying to steal my work!!" That isn't the case, I promise. If your artwork, or pictures appear here, then I apologize, but I am not trying to steal it, it just means that I fancy what you do. C: Please don't be offended >.<
On that note, once I obtain a camera that isn't attached to my cell phone, the funds to travel, and perhaps a bit of talent, this blog will be a lot moar original~* I hope you enjoy what I can put together here already though XD
On that note, once I obtain a camera that isn't attached to my cell phone, the funds to travel, and perhaps a bit of talent, this blog will be a lot moar original~* I hope you enjoy what I can put together here already though XD
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Onsen no Tengoku
All right, so last night I was laying in bed and I decided it may be a good idea for me to post some of my old-ish writing. This first one I'm going to post is my favourite imagery-paragraph thing I've ever written :3 If anyone actually does end up reading this, please leave a comment and give me your honest opinion of it :) that would be much appreciated~
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Onsen no Tengoku (Onsen of Heaven)
I peel off my yukata, my diffidence evaporating with the mist as I slink, nude, into the onsen. "The water feels lovely" I think to myself. Strangers seemingly avoid the hot springs I laze in, so I have it for myself, sipping sencha and feeling more tranquil at that moment than I ever have in my life. This is my most cherished onsen in all of Japan; tis located on the peak of Fuji-sama, with the most sublime view you will ever cast your eyes upon. Between the lowlands extended beneath me, the haunting morning mist, and the pink, ambrosial sakura blossoms that surround me...well, you could say this is my own personal heaven. I slip downward into the steaming waters, eternally blissful.
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Onsen no Tengoku (Onsen of Heaven)
I peel off my yukata, my diffidence evaporating with the mist as I slink, nude, into the onsen. "The water feels lovely" I think to myself. Strangers seemingly avoid the hot springs I laze in, so I have it for myself, sipping sencha and feeling more tranquil at that moment than I ever have in my life. This is my most cherished onsen in all of Japan; tis located on the peak of Fuji-sama, with the most sublime view you will ever cast your eyes upon. Between the lowlands extended beneath me, the haunting morning mist, and the pink, ambrosial sakura blossoms that surround me...well, you could say this is my own personal heaven. I slip downward into the steaming waters, eternally blissful.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I really like this song
So go listen to it.
--------------------------------
Coin-Operated Boy - The Dresden Dolls~*
Coin operated boy
Sitting on the shelf, he is just a toy
But I turn him on and he comes to life
Automatic joy
That is why I want a coin operated boy
Made of plastic and elastic
He is rugged and long-lasting
Who could ever ever ask for more
Love without complications galore
Many shapes and weights to choose from
I will never leave my bedroom
I will never cry at night again
Wrap my arms around him and pretend....
Coin operated boy
All the other real ones that I destroy
Cannot hold a candle to my new boy and I'll
Never let him go and I'll never be alone
Not with my coin operated boy......
This bridge was written to make you feel smittener
With my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
Can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
I didnt think so, but I'm still convinceable
Will you persist even after I bet you
A billion dollars that I'll never love you
Will you persist even after I kiss you
Goodbye for the last time
Will you keep on trying to prove it?
I'm dying to lose it...
I want it
I want you
I want a coin operated boy.
And if I had a star to wish on
For my life I can't imagine
Any flesh and blood could be his match
I can even take him in the bath
Coin operated boy
He may not be real experienced with girls
But I know he feels like a boy should feel
Isn't that the point that is why I want a
Coin operated boy
With his pretty coin operated voice
Saying that he loves me, that he's thinking of me
Straight and to the point
That is why I want
A coin operated boy.
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--------------------------------
Coin-Operated Boy - The Dresden Dolls~*
Coin operated boy
Sitting on the shelf, he is just a toy
But I turn him on and he comes to life
Automatic joy
That is why I want a coin operated boy
Made of plastic and elastic
He is rugged and long-lasting
Who could ever ever ask for more
Love without complications galore
Many shapes and weights to choose from
I will never leave my bedroom
I will never cry at night again
Wrap my arms around him and pretend....
Coin operated boy
All the other real ones that I destroy
Cannot hold a candle to my new boy and I'll
Never let him go and I'll never be alone
Not with my coin operated boy......
This bridge was written to make you feel smittener
With my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
Can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
I didnt think so, but I'm still convinceable
Will you persist even after I bet you
A billion dollars that I'll never love you
Will you persist even after I kiss you
Goodbye for the last time
Will you keep on trying to prove it?
I'm dying to lose it...
I want it
I want you
I want a coin operated boy.
And if I had a star to wish on
For my life I can't imagine
Any flesh and blood could be his match
I can even take him in the bath
Coin operated boy
He may not be real experienced with girls
But I know he feels like a boy should feel
Isn't that the point that is why I want a
Coin operated boy
With his pretty coin operated voice
Saying that he loves me, that he's thinking of me
Straight and to the point
That is why I want
A coin operated boy.
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Saturday, August 21, 2010
The KRAZY KRAB!!!!
So, I had a terrible night last night. Everything seemed all good. Dad was passed out, mum and I had a delicious dinner. Around 8:30pm, she tells me that she's going to the casino for a bit. I'm like okay, you know, that's cool whatever. I figured I would just use this time to finish watching Audition. So, she leaves, dad's still sleeping, and I am viewing my movie. Everything was JUST FINE. Literally, right as Audition is ending, I hear dad get up, and go to the bathroom. I'm kinda like ..ffff... but I figure it's still all good. Then I hear the slamming of doors, and I know that my apprehension was not in vain. He slams into my room, asking "Where the fuck is your mother!?" and I tell him of her casino outing. He flips his shit and starts yelling and everything, and tells me to "Get your fucking mother on the phone, NOW!!! >:K " So I am already freaking out, on the verge of a panic attack (this may sound melodramatic for the situation, but you have no idea how much he freaks me out :[ ), and I call and call and call mum, but she doesn't answer. This is when I remember that she doesn't get service at the Thunderbird Casino, because it is too far out of range. Fuck. "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck" was pretty much all I remember thinking at that point. If I didn't get her on the phone VERY soon, it was likely that a large portion of his rage would be taken out on me. "FUCK! What do I do!!?"
I called the casino, and asked the mildly confused-sounding lady if she would page my mother over the intercom thing. She pages her and nothing happens, and when the lady comes back to tell me that she didn't respond, I'm already on the verge of tears, and...she notices...and offers to try again. Again, there is no response, and I end up flipping out a bit while the lady is just awkwardly sitting on the other line, not knowing what to do. Poor lady ;[
After that whole thing, I call my mother's phone again, probably like forty times, and I think I left three voice-mails, each one getting progressively moar hysterical. In hindsight, maybe I was over-reacting, but in my head at that point, all that mattered was GETTING MY MOTHER ON THAT FUCKING PHONE, otherwise I would be the focal-point for the night's impending rage-fest. I even texted her twice, knowing that she wouldn't get them until she had service once moar. Ugh.
So, what ended up happening was that I never could get her one the phone, and dad came out of his room. I was standing in the kitchen, phone to my ear, trying to stop crying, so he wouldn't notice. Guess what. He noticed.
I winced when he voiced his question. "What the fuck are you crying for?" My brain was essentially mush at that point, and I couldn't think of any stupid excuse, so I just told him that I was freaked because I couldn't get her on the phone and I figured he would freak out about it. I actually just told him the truth, which I figured HAD to be incredibly stupid of me, and I was almost expecting him to start yelling and throwing shit everywhere, but he was really chill about it (which is kind of creepy in itself), and he said that he had been trying to call her as well, and he couldn't get her to answer either, so he wouldn't be mad that I couldn't reach her. He also said that it wasn't me that the fight would be over, but there will definitely be a "hellacious" fight when my mother returned home. I was somewhat creeped out/relieved at this proclamation (creeped out that he was being so calm, and relieved that I wouldn't be forced to be involved in another one of their fights). So, I in turn, told him that I would be going to bed, as I wanted to be asleep before mum arrived home. He just said "I don't blame you" :l
I was laying in bed, all the lights out, toying with the idea of going online to read some blogs or something, but then it occured to me that I wasn't just saying that to get out of staying in there with him, but I really did want to be asleep before she got home. I NEEDED to be asleep. I figured, if I was able to sleep through the fighting, I could wake up in the morning, and it would be like it never happened. I really do prefer to cope with things in that manner, pretending my life is just words in a storybook. I mean, if it isn't real, it just has to be less painful, right? -hopeful-
I have a really hard time getting to sleep as it is, but when I am freaking out, and having a panic attack ( I would say...the worst one I've had in MONTHS), it's pretty much impossible. I tried everything I could think of to sleep, desperate to just drift away while I still had the time to avoid conflict. I was even reduced to counting sheep. I got up to eighty-six and just said "fuck you, sheep!! >:I" Nothing seemed to be working. Then...just when I think I may be dozing...it starts again. The next twenty or forty minutes (I'm not really sure...) were spent with me crying and rolling over and over in my bed, plauged with mental images of my mother dying in a vicious car wreck, or my cats getting outside and getting run down by a car, blood and entrails littering the road, everywhere. I kept telling my brain SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTTHEFUCKUP!!!!! but it just wouldn't stop...That half-hour felt like an eternity...I still almost cry (not to mention feel the all-consuming urge to do my knocking-on-wood ritual, to ensure their safety..) when I'm just remembering those images..there were so many of them :/
I somehow managed falling asleep last night...and this morning when I woke up (literally, like five minutes after I entered the living room), there was fighting. Why would I think I could avoid this? :(
I called the casino, and asked the mildly confused-sounding lady if she would page my mother over the intercom thing. She pages her and nothing happens, and when the lady comes back to tell me that she didn't respond, I'm already on the verge of tears, and...she notices...and offers to try again. Again, there is no response, and I end up flipping out a bit while the lady is just awkwardly sitting on the other line, not knowing what to do. Poor lady ;[
After that whole thing, I call my mother's phone again, probably like forty times, and I think I left three voice-mails, each one getting progressively moar hysterical. In hindsight, maybe I was over-reacting, but in my head at that point, all that mattered was GETTING MY MOTHER ON THAT FUCKING PHONE, otherwise I would be the focal-point for the night's impending rage-fest. I even texted her twice, knowing that she wouldn't get them until she had service once moar. Ugh.
So, what ended up happening was that I never could get her one the phone, and dad came out of his room. I was standing in the kitchen, phone to my ear, trying to stop crying, so he wouldn't notice. Guess what. He noticed.
I winced when he voiced his question. "What the fuck are you crying for?" My brain was essentially mush at that point, and I couldn't think of any stupid excuse, so I just told him that I was freaked because I couldn't get her on the phone and I figured he would freak out about it. I actually just told him the truth, which I figured HAD to be incredibly stupid of me, and I was almost expecting him to start yelling and throwing shit everywhere, but he was really chill about it (which is kind of creepy in itself), and he said that he had been trying to call her as well, and he couldn't get her to answer either, so he wouldn't be mad that I couldn't reach her. He also said that it wasn't me that the fight would be over, but there will definitely be a "hellacious" fight when my mother returned home. I was somewhat creeped out/relieved at this proclamation (creeped out that he was being so calm, and relieved that I wouldn't be forced to be involved in another one of their fights). So, I in turn, told him that I would be going to bed, as I wanted to be asleep before mum arrived home. He just said "I don't blame you" :l
I was laying in bed, all the lights out, toying with the idea of going online to read some blogs or something, but then it occured to me that I wasn't just saying that to get out of staying in there with him, but I really did want to be asleep before she got home. I NEEDED to be asleep. I figured, if I was able to sleep through the fighting, I could wake up in the morning, and it would be like it never happened. I really do prefer to cope with things in that manner, pretending my life is just words in a storybook. I mean, if it isn't real, it just has to be less painful, right? -hopeful-
I have a really hard time getting to sleep as it is, but when I am freaking out, and having a panic attack ( I would say...the worst one I've had in MONTHS), it's pretty much impossible. I tried everything I could think of to sleep, desperate to just drift away while I still had the time to avoid conflict. I was even reduced to counting sheep. I got up to eighty-six and just said "fuck you, sheep!! >:I" Nothing seemed to be working. Then...just when I think I may be dozing...it starts again. The next twenty or forty minutes (I'm not really sure...) were spent with me crying and rolling over and over in my bed, plauged with mental images of my mother dying in a vicious car wreck, or my cats getting outside and getting run down by a car, blood and entrails littering the road, everywhere. I kept telling my brain SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTTHEFUCKUP!!!!! but it just wouldn't stop...That half-hour felt like an eternity...I still almost cry (not to mention feel the all-consuming urge to do my knocking-on-wood ritual, to ensure their safety..) when I'm just remembering those images..there were so many of them :/
I somehow managed falling asleep last night...and this morning when I woke up (literally, like five minutes after I entered the living room), there was fighting. Why would I think I could avoid this? :(
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